Monday, November 8, 2010

Surrender to God

This past 2 years of my 30 yr marriage have been one of the hardest periods of my life, an absolute roller coaster and during the peaks of this ride,
I have wanted to bail many times.

The more I tried to control my destination and outcome,
the more I felt out of control.
I remember many times praying for guidance because I was so lost and so broken inside.
I piled issues of my daily life on my marriage counselor ,
who could only try to give me advise and help me many times to see the situation in another way.

I tied hard to mend my mistakes and bad choices and come to terms with the shear pain I caused, but more than not I felt like I was on a hamster wheel going nowhere.
I kept telling myself I wasn't going to live like this much longer.
Then one day after another prayer I heard a voice telling me to
“let it all go and trust me, your marriage will be healed in time, surrender it all to me”
This voice I believe was God.
I tied for so long to fix it and I couldn't.
At that moment, I gave it all to God.
I stopped trying to control the outcome of my marriage.
I stopped bouncing between love and hate and just accepted the words of God.
I trusted God would mend and heal my marriage,
just as he said he would, I knew it was a process and it was time for me to trust and practice patience.
I believed all along because I watched what God was doing in my life already,
such amazing miracles, I just wanted it to be complete.
I accepted the fact there was so much brokenness still.
God had brought us so far and I knew he would bring us the rest of the way in his own time. It was a process and we had more to learn.

So from a place of so much darkness that I was sure I would never see light again,
so much pain I thought I would never live through it and so much prayer I though God would stopping hearing me.
The brokenness was big and real and I thought there was no way back from the dark hole we were in.
Our 2 marriage counselors at the time we were both going, struggled to keep us together
I never stopped trying.

I never stopped doing the right things.
I never stopped seeking the word of God
and I never gave up hope and faith.
When I finally surrendered, I started feeling changes happen.
I watch God totally envelope my husbands life,
I saw his heart change which helped me to find some sense of peace and happiness again.
I let go of all my expectation and I let God change our hearts and apply the true healing we both wanted so badly.

I believe in God because after I watched true miracles in my marriage,
I couldn't deny his true existence

Today I have peace and happiness again.
I start each day with God.
I have a marriage that feels better than it has in it's 30 years and growing.

It brings tears to my eyes thinking about our journey the past 2 years.
The roller coaster ride is over, I didn't bale,

Only God could have ended our story this way and I can't wait to see what God has
in-store for us next because I truly believe that long after the worst storms have passed that God had made us for each other and if God can heal such intense brokenness and pain,

what will he do with us when we have devoted total commitment to each other with him as our guid

1 comment:

  1. My favorite part of this post is "I didn't bail." I am so glad you didn't. God is so so faithful, and you are a testimony of that.

    I can't believe I won the give away. I have never won anything. Yipee!


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